When A Parent Needs Parenting
One of the most difficult transitions in life is that subtle role reversal that takes place when we find ourselves tenderly caring for our parents as they once cared for us. Here is what you need to know to spot a parent in decline, as well as ways to support her through her time of crisis.
The Subtle Warning Signs
Some health problems, such as those causing extreme forgetfulness and disorientation, make themselves readily apparent in no time at all. But sometimes a parent's decline is so subtle that it evades detection for months, even years, as it creeps into her life with insidious stealth. All may appear normal in your conversations with your parent; yet behind closed doors, her financial security and physical health may be rapidly deteriorating.
Because even the most amiable person can become irate when his or her mental competence is questioned, you're probably better off going undercover than with a head-on interrogation. Try to be a tactful and discrete snoop when you visit your parent's home. Look for signs of significant and uncharacteristic changes for the worse. For instance, is a once fastidious parent neglecting housekeeping chores? Are two weeks worth of trash tumbling out of the waste bin? Is her refrigerator empty? Does it look like she hasn't taken her medication in days? Is she paying attention to her personal hygiene and grooming? Is there a stack of unopened bills gathering dust on the kitchen table?
If your parent is in decline, your best hope is to find out early so that you can provide her with emotional and legal support right away. And as a bonus, if you identify her distress early while she is still mentally competent to make decisions on her own, the two of you can work with an estate planning attorney to create a plan that will help you both through these difficult times.
When There's Trouble Ahead
If your window of opportunity has slammed shut and you already have a legally incompetent parent on your hands, you may have no choice but to pursue a guardianship over her. The legal process of declaring an individual mentally incompetent to handle his or her own affairs is called a living probate, and it's not a pretty sight. Usually, witnesses are called in to talk about the individual's sad condition, often in humiliating detail. Doctors' testimony will often be required, and even the patient herself may be called into the court room to be examined by the judge. Surprising to many is the fact that judges have wide discretion in who they may appoint to serve as an individual's guardian. You may think you are the only logical choice for this role, but the judge may have other ideas. He may even appoint a professional guardian, an individual who gets paid by the patient for his services. On the other hand, a drawn-out court battle may ensue if other relatives or friends think that they, not you, should be appointed your parent's guardian, with court costs mounting right along with family tensions as your parent's fate hangs in the balance.
Even if your parent's living probate moves forward expeditiously and results in you being named your her guardian, there will still be probate court costs and attorney's fees to pay, plus countless days of delay lost in the process. And the best outcome you could possibly hope for isn't nearly as good as the one you might have achieved with some advanced planning.
Your Legal Options
Of course, the easiest, best solution is for your parent to willingly and legally authorize you or another loved one to step in on her behalf regarding her personal care and financial affairs. A power of attorney will allow you to act as her agent in business matters, to help ensure her benefit checks get cashed, her bills get paid, and expenditures needed on her behalf are authorized. Because a general power of attorney is usually invalid the minute the individual becomes disabled, you'll also need a durable power attorney. With it, you can make decisions on your parent's behalf should she become legally incompetent.
A power of attorney - even a durable one - only covers transactions such as business and financial matters. To give you control over her personal care, including medical treatment, your parent will have to create a health care power of attorney which names you as her agent. Health care powers of attorney can also provide instructions as to what types of treatment your parent may - or may not - want, such as so-called DNR (do not resuscitate) orders.
An equally urgent task is identifying your parent's assets as quickly as possible. In the best of all possible worlds, your parent will be able to provide you with a list giving the location of key paperwork such as mortgages, deeds, and titles, as well as a listing of all of her accounts, including bank accounts and brokerage accounts, insurance policies, health care policies, safe deposit boxes, etc. You'll need this information to effectively conduct business on her behalf, including filing claims for her medical care so that her providers get paid. If she doesn't have this information readily available, you'll have to act as sleuth and track down this information on your own.
Finally, your parent should, at the very least, have a last will and testament. Although a will may require that her assets go through probate court after her death, you'll be spared the potential for family feuding if your parent didn't put her wishes down in writing.
If your parent has a sizable estate - over $650,000 - or if she owns complicated assets such as a large retirement fund or a family business, you may want to seek out an expert's advice. Working with a qualified estate planning attorney, your parent, or you on her behalf, may be able to implement some estate planning measures that will help her avoid estate taxes and probate costs. You may also be able to execute an estate plan that successful manages the transition from one generation to the next of such potentially difficult assets as a family business or a well-funded retirement plan.
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